y'all ever hear about gender?

idk if you've noticed, but i like clowns

i have gone through the hilariously typical queer experience of "hm i'm having thoughts about my sexuality" > "after many years of unpacking and contemplation i have figured out my thoughts about my sexuality. time to chill" > "wait. gender?" > "AW FUCK"

i am not any sort of xenogender. i'm like 97% sure about that. so, after much consideration i am currently quite comfy in the descriptor "bigender". i am a she. i am also a he. i like that. it feels good to me. at the same time, there is a very funny sort of parallel to my bigender-ness and my fool-sonas

as i've adopted masculine pronouns and been recognized as a transmasc person via the 'net i've found exploring femininity far more tolerable than i ever have before. my struggles with masculinity will be further explored another day i'm sure, but for now i just want to make the comparison of "clown" and "jester"

i wish i was a better gender scholar. maybe i'll come back and edit this one day. but for now, my queer little brain goes "femme = clown", "masc = jester". and i love that. my fool obsession is not very old. or at least, it's the feverish level its at now is not old. i don't know if one preceeded the other by coincidence or they were destined to happened together, but my clown obsession and gender thoughts happened at the same time. i'm afab, and as i was starting to unpack my masculine desires, i became enraptured with jester. after i started that, i explored femininity more openly, as i became more involved with clown

how funny, that the one i was born with coincides with the one that is more popular.